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syrialaThis is my take on the heart-wrenching scene in episode 23 where Zhao Yunlan finds Shen Wei with the knife in his kitchen. That scene definitely needed more hugs and kisses.
Read it here on AO3 or read it here under the cut.
“Fortunately, I am used to getting injured,” Shen Wei says, as he heals the cut on his wrist.
Zhao Yunlan isn’t looking at him, but he sees Shen Wei smiling from the corner of his eyes.
Zhao Yunlan has never paid much attention to expressions. A suspect usually remembers to school their face, making it hard to read them, so Zhao Yunlan learned to rely on their body movement and his own gut feeling.
But ever since Shen Wei stepped into his life Zhao Yunlan had to take a crash-course on micro-expressions.
Shen Wei is always so tightly controlled, never giving away anything he doesn’t want to, that Zhao Yunlan is at a loss most of the time.
The one thing Shen Wei can’t always control, or maybe forgets sometimes, are his micro-expressions. Zhao Yunlan got rather good at reading them, cataloging too many to count, and this right now, the smile Shen Wei is giving him, that is the worst of all.
Because Shen Wei keeps eye contact. And that is always such a bad sign.
Zhao Yunlan had realized it very early on; if Shen Wei was genuinely happy or amused, he would duck his head or briefly look away, as if he didn’t want anyone to see his smile. Which is a damn shame in Zhao Yunlan’s book, because his smile is gorgeous.
But when Shen Wei keeps prolonged eye contact, he is either lying, or so busy concealing his pain that he forgets to look away. Like the pain is so overwhelming that it’s the only thing he can concentrate on.
And right now Shen Wei is smiling his most beautiful smile, the one where the corners of his eyes crinkle just slightly, but he is looking straight at Zhao Yunlan, not avoiding his gaze, eyes not flitting to the side, and Zhao Yunlan hates it.
It is like Shen Wei is daring him to look at him, believing the lie Shen Wei is probably telling himself.
‘Fortunately I’m used to getting injured’. Zhao Yunlan’s heart might just break at that, because no one should get used to that, should get used to pain, and least of all his Shen Wei.
And especially not for Zhao Yunlan.
But Shen Wei says it like it’s supposed to comfort Zhao Yunlan, make him worry less and Zhao Yunlan has never heard something so painful in his entire life.
Zhao Yunlan finally turns towards Shen Wei again, hoping that the cursed smile is gone from his face, but it’s still right there on his face, if faint, and he wants to put a genuine expression on Shen Wei’s face. Wants him to look after himself.
He wants him to be okay.
“I do not deserve what you are doing for me,” Zhao Yunlan says, begs Shen Wei to understand.
“You’re worth it,” Shen Wei replies, without a second of hesitation, doesn’t even have to think about it, as if there could never be anything else as worthy in Shen Wei’s eyes as Zhao Yunlan’s life. Like Zhao Yunlan is more precious to him than even his own life.
It’s scaring the shit out of Zhao Yunlan.
He loves Shen Wei, he does, but Shen Wei loves him with an intensity, with an urgency Zhao Yunlan can’t understand. He loves him like maybe they already had a life-time of getting to know each other, falling deeper in love, and not just the five months they have known each other.
But the urgency also speaks of an already happened loss, that Zhao Yunlan can’t possibly comprehend and is probably due to the secrets Shen Wei is still keeping from him.
Shen Wei has alluded to that before, when he said ‘we have always been friends’ and ‘it never changed’ but so far he hasn’t explained, and Zhao Yunlan just doesn’t understand.
And that makes him angry.
“Then what do you want me to do?” he asks, yells more like, because he doesn’t know how to deal with this unwavering and all-consuming love. “Huh? Be indebted to you? To bow to you? You’re not immortal!”
It’s a thought Zhao Yunlan hadn’t dared to contemplate before, because it scares the shit out of him, that he could lose Shen Wei, but he pushes that thought away for now.
“Why should I so casually owe you a life?” he asks, in a last-ditch effort to make Shen Wei explain, to maybe finally understand what Shen Wei sees in him when he looks at him.
But Shen Wei holds his gaze, unflinchingly, and steps closer.
“This life is what I’m returning to you,” he whispers, close enough to Zhao Yunlan that he can see the breathless desperation in his eyes and Zhao Yunlan still doesn’t understand what Shen Wei is referring to.
It must show on his face, because Shen Wei suddenly drops his gaze, and takes a few deep breaths, as if he realizes he has said too much, revealed too much even though Zhao Yunlan feels more confused than ever. But Shen Wei looks away, lets his eyes flick around like Zhao Yunlan is used to from him, and then takes a step away.
“You should rest soon,” he says, clearly still more concerned with Zhao Yunlan’s health than his own, and he moves to turn away.
Zhao Yunlan can’t let that happen.
He reaches out just as Shen Wei starts to walk away from him and he catches his arm. Shen Wei keeps his back to him, unwilling to turn around, but Zhao Yunlan is done with letting him set the pace for their relationship.
He tugs, hard, pulling Shen Wei towards him and swiftly wrapping his arms around Shen Wei.
Shen Wei appears to be stunned, rigid and unmoving against Zhao Yunlan, but he isn’t deterred.
“If you think saving my life at the expense of yours is worth it, I need you to think again,” Zhao Yunlan whispers, almost pressing the words into Shen Wei’s skin, and he feels him shudder against him.
It’s like a dam has broken because suddenly Shen Wei is returning the hug, embracing Zhao Yunlan completely, almost painfully, but Zhao Yunlan is gonna die before he puts an end to this. Shen Wei is breathing hard, and Zhao Yunlan just pulls him closer, presses them together in an attempt to make him understand.
“I couldn’t bear to lose you. What would I even do without you?” he asks, more rhetorical than anything but Shen Wei still answers.
“You’ll find someone else who will cook for you,” he says, so low that Zhao Yunlan almost misses it, as if that is everything Shen Wei is good for.
As if he doesn’t hold Zhao Yunlan’s heart in his hands.
“You idiot,” Zhao Yunlan breathes out and pushes Shen Wei away.
He has a split second to notice the hurt expression on Shen Wei’s face before he manages to cover it up with one of his impassive masks and then Zhao Yunlan reels him in for a kiss.
Shen Wei seems stunned for a second, a long second where just doesn’t react, but then he surges up like he waited for this all his life or maybe even longer, and what does Zhao Yunlan know, maybe he did.
Zhao Yunlan only waited five months for this, and he already feels like it’s been forever, like he would drown if Shen Wei stepped away right now.
Luckily that isn’t the case; Shen Wei clings to him almost painfully, hands twisted into Zhao Yunlan’s shirt and the kiss is almost biting in its intensity.
But Zhao Yunlan smooths his hand over Shen Wei’s back, cupping his face with the other and gentles the kiss into something less desperate, something less afraid. He’s going to make sure that this isn’t the only chance they get, and he tries to let Shen Wei know, just through the kiss.
It seems to come across just fine, because Shen Wei sighs against his lips and suddenly they are sharing breath more than kissing, but this is also fine, it’s just as good. Still, Zhao Yunlan can’t help but press two, three more short, sweet kisses to Shen Wei’s lips.
“Come back to bed with me,” Zhao Yunlan mumbles and inwardly curses when Shen Wei tenses against him.
“You’re still healing,” he reprimands him and Zhao Yunlan sighs.
Of course Shen Wei is still, always, firstly concerned with Zhao Yunlan’s health.
“To sleep, Xiao Wei. Just to sleep.”
“You can do that on your own,” Shen Wei protests and Zhao Yunlan can’t help but roll his eyes at that.
“Maybe I don’t want to let you go yet.”
Shen Wei avoids his eyes for a heart-stopping moment and Zhao Yunlan instinctively tightens his grip on him.
“Tell me,” he begs him, afraid that Shen Wei will just slip through his fingers if he lets him go now, and Shen Wei sighs.
“I don’t need to sleep,” Shen Wei lowly admits, and Zhao Yunlan feels his brain stutter for a moment before he decides that this is a matter for another time.
“But you can lie down with me and let me hold you,” Zhao Yunlan tries and Shen Wei sags against him, leaning just a little bit more of his weight on him.
“Yes,” he breathlessly says, clearly desperate to hold Zhao Yunlan in return, not that he minds.
“Good,” Zhao Yunlan says and puts enough space between them to allow some movement, without ever taking his hand off Shen Wei.
They barely remember to push off their shoes before they slide into bed, still facing each other and Zhao Yunlan pulls Shen Wei close again, fits him neatly against his body. Shen Wei continues to cling to him once he gets his hands back on Zhao Yunlan, but he doesn’t mind.
The forceful grip at least reminds him that this is real, that Shen Wei is really there and not about to slip through his fingers like smoke, like it so often felt like before Shen Wei’s secret identity was revealed.
They breathe together, foreheads resting against each other, and Zhao Yunlan can’t help that his eyes slip close.
He enjoys Shen Wei’s warmth, relishes in the way that for once he can touch and not just look and he lets out a satisfied little sigh.
Shen Wei nuzzles closer, dusts a few kisses over his face, light like butterflies and whispers “Sleep. I’ll be here.”
“Good,” Zhao Yunlan breathes and then sluggishly blinks an eye open. “You’re gonna stare at me all night, huh?”
He wasn’t prepared for the look of pure awe on Shen Wei’s face, but he can’t say he’s completely surprised either.
“Possibly,” Shen Wei admits after a lengthy pause, still looking at Zhao Yunlan like this could be the last time, almost greedily drinking him in and Zhao Yunlan snuggles deeper into the bed, closer to Shen Wei, completely happy to stay right there and let this man hold and watch him.
There is still a lot they need to talk about, but Zhao Yunlan figures it can wait till morning.
“You’re lucky I love you,” Zhao Yunlan mumbles before he drifts off, but he still hears the surprised breath Shen Wei sucks in.
A reverently whispered “That I am,” follows Zhao Yunlan all the way into his dreams.
It’s the best rest he’s had in a long time.
Read it here on AO3 or read it here under the cut.
“Fortunately, I am used to getting injured,” Shen Wei says, as he heals the cut on his wrist.
Zhao Yunlan isn’t looking at him, but he sees Shen Wei smiling from the corner of his eyes.
Zhao Yunlan has never paid much attention to expressions. A suspect usually remembers to school their face, making it hard to read them, so Zhao Yunlan learned to rely on their body movement and his own gut feeling.
But ever since Shen Wei stepped into his life Zhao Yunlan had to take a crash-course on micro-expressions.
Shen Wei is always so tightly controlled, never giving away anything he doesn’t want to, that Zhao Yunlan is at a loss most of the time.
The one thing Shen Wei can’t always control, or maybe forgets sometimes, are his micro-expressions. Zhao Yunlan got rather good at reading them, cataloging too many to count, and this right now, the smile Shen Wei is giving him, that is the worst of all.
Because Shen Wei keeps eye contact. And that is always such a bad sign.
Zhao Yunlan had realized it very early on; if Shen Wei was genuinely happy or amused, he would duck his head or briefly look away, as if he didn’t want anyone to see his smile. Which is a damn shame in Zhao Yunlan’s book, because his smile is gorgeous.
But when Shen Wei keeps prolonged eye contact, he is either lying, or so busy concealing his pain that he forgets to look away. Like the pain is so overwhelming that it’s the only thing he can concentrate on.
And right now Shen Wei is smiling his most beautiful smile, the one where the corners of his eyes crinkle just slightly, but he is looking straight at Zhao Yunlan, not avoiding his gaze, eyes not flitting to the side, and Zhao Yunlan hates it.
It is like Shen Wei is daring him to look at him, believing the lie Shen Wei is probably telling himself.
‘Fortunately I’m used to getting injured’. Zhao Yunlan’s heart might just break at that, because no one should get used to that, should get used to pain, and least of all his Shen Wei.
And especially not for Zhao Yunlan.
But Shen Wei says it like it’s supposed to comfort Zhao Yunlan, make him worry less and Zhao Yunlan has never heard something so painful in his entire life.
Zhao Yunlan finally turns towards Shen Wei again, hoping that the cursed smile is gone from his face, but it’s still right there on his face, if faint, and he wants to put a genuine expression on Shen Wei’s face. Wants him to look after himself.
He wants him to be okay.
“I do not deserve what you are doing for me,” Zhao Yunlan says, begs Shen Wei to understand.
“You’re worth it,” Shen Wei replies, without a second of hesitation, doesn’t even have to think about it, as if there could never be anything else as worthy in Shen Wei’s eyes as Zhao Yunlan’s life. Like Zhao Yunlan is more precious to him than even his own life.
It’s scaring the shit out of Zhao Yunlan.
He loves Shen Wei, he does, but Shen Wei loves him with an intensity, with an urgency Zhao Yunlan can’t understand. He loves him like maybe they already had a life-time of getting to know each other, falling deeper in love, and not just the five months they have known each other.
But the urgency also speaks of an already happened loss, that Zhao Yunlan can’t possibly comprehend and is probably due to the secrets Shen Wei is still keeping from him.
Shen Wei has alluded to that before, when he said ‘we have always been friends’ and ‘it never changed’ but so far he hasn’t explained, and Zhao Yunlan just doesn’t understand.
And that makes him angry.
“Then what do you want me to do?” he asks, yells more like, because he doesn’t know how to deal with this unwavering and all-consuming love. “Huh? Be indebted to you? To bow to you? You’re not immortal!”
It’s a thought Zhao Yunlan hadn’t dared to contemplate before, because it scares the shit out of him, that he could lose Shen Wei, but he pushes that thought away for now.
“Why should I so casually owe you a life?” he asks, in a last-ditch effort to make Shen Wei explain, to maybe finally understand what Shen Wei sees in him when he looks at him.
But Shen Wei holds his gaze, unflinchingly, and steps closer.
“This life is what I’m returning to you,” he whispers, close enough to Zhao Yunlan that he can see the breathless desperation in his eyes and Zhao Yunlan still doesn’t understand what Shen Wei is referring to.
It must show on his face, because Shen Wei suddenly drops his gaze, and takes a few deep breaths, as if he realizes he has said too much, revealed too much even though Zhao Yunlan feels more confused than ever. But Shen Wei looks away, lets his eyes flick around like Zhao Yunlan is used to from him, and then takes a step away.
“You should rest soon,” he says, clearly still more concerned with Zhao Yunlan’s health than his own, and he moves to turn away.
Zhao Yunlan can’t let that happen.
He reaches out just as Shen Wei starts to walk away from him and he catches his arm. Shen Wei keeps his back to him, unwilling to turn around, but Zhao Yunlan is done with letting him set the pace for their relationship.
He tugs, hard, pulling Shen Wei towards him and swiftly wrapping his arms around Shen Wei.
Shen Wei appears to be stunned, rigid and unmoving against Zhao Yunlan, but he isn’t deterred.
“If you think saving my life at the expense of yours is worth it, I need you to think again,” Zhao Yunlan whispers, almost pressing the words into Shen Wei’s skin, and he feels him shudder against him.
It’s like a dam has broken because suddenly Shen Wei is returning the hug, embracing Zhao Yunlan completely, almost painfully, but Zhao Yunlan is gonna die before he puts an end to this. Shen Wei is breathing hard, and Zhao Yunlan just pulls him closer, presses them together in an attempt to make him understand.
“I couldn’t bear to lose you. What would I even do without you?” he asks, more rhetorical than anything but Shen Wei still answers.
“You’ll find someone else who will cook for you,” he says, so low that Zhao Yunlan almost misses it, as if that is everything Shen Wei is good for.
As if he doesn’t hold Zhao Yunlan’s heart in his hands.
“You idiot,” Zhao Yunlan breathes out and pushes Shen Wei away.
He has a split second to notice the hurt expression on Shen Wei’s face before he manages to cover it up with one of his impassive masks and then Zhao Yunlan reels him in for a kiss.
Shen Wei seems stunned for a second, a long second where just doesn’t react, but then he surges up like he waited for this all his life or maybe even longer, and what does Zhao Yunlan know, maybe he did.
Zhao Yunlan only waited five months for this, and he already feels like it’s been forever, like he would drown if Shen Wei stepped away right now.
Luckily that isn’t the case; Shen Wei clings to him almost painfully, hands twisted into Zhao Yunlan’s shirt and the kiss is almost biting in its intensity.
But Zhao Yunlan smooths his hand over Shen Wei’s back, cupping his face with the other and gentles the kiss into something less desperate, something less afraid. He’s going to make sure that this isn’t the only chance they get, and he tries to let Shen Wei know, just through the kiss.
It seems to come across just fine, because Shen Wei sighs against his lips and suddenly they are sharing breath more than kissing, but this is also fine, it’s just as good. Still, Zhao Yunlan can’t help but press two, three more short, sweet kisses to Shen Wei’s lips.
“Come back to bed with me,” Zhao Yunlan mumbles and inwardly curses when Shen Wei tenses against him.
“You’re still healing,” he reprimands him and Zhao Yunlan sighs.
Of course Shen Wei is still, always, firstly concerned with Zhao Yunlan’s health.
“To sleep, Xiao Wei. Just to sleep.”
“You can do that on your own,” Shen Wei protests and Zhao Yunlan can’t help but roll his eyes at that.
“Maybe I don’t want to let you go yet.”
Shen Wei avoids his eyes for a heart-stopping moment and Zhao Yunlan instinctively tightens his grip on him.
“Tell me,” he begs him, afraid that Shen Wei will just slip through his fingers if he lets him go now, and Shen Wei sighs.
“I don’t need to sleep,” Shen Wei lowly admits, and Zhao Yunlan feels his brain stutter for a moment before he decides that this is a matter for another time.
“But you can lie down with me and let me hold you,” Zhao Yunlan tries and Shen Wei sags against him, leaning just a little bit more of his weight on him.
“Yes,” he breathlessly says, clearly desperate to hold Zhao Yunlan in return, not that he minds.
“Good,” Zhao Yunlan says and puts enough space between them to allow some movement, without ever taking his hand off Shen Wei.
They barely remember to push off their shoes before they slide into bed, still facing each other and Zhao Yunlan pulls Shen Wei close again, fits him neatly against his body. Shen Wei continues to cling to him once he gets his hands back on Zhao Yunlan, but he doesn’t mind.
The forceful grip at least reminds him that this is real, that Shen Wei is really there and not about to slip through his fingers like smoke, like it so often felt like before Shen Wei’s secret identity was revealed.
They breathe together, foreheads resting against each other, and Zhao Yunlan can’t help that his eyes slip close.
He enjoys Shen Wei’s warmth, relishes in the way that for once he can touch and not just look and he lets out a satisfied little sigh.
Shen Wei nuzzles closer, dusts a few kisses over his face, light like butterflies and whispers “Sleep. I’ll be here.”
“Good,” Zhao Yunlan breathes and then sluggishly blinks an eye open. “You’re gonna stare at me all night, huh?”
He wasn’t prepared for the look of pure awe on Shen Wei’s face, but he can’t say he’s completely surprised either.
“Possibly,” Shen Wei admits after a lengthy pause, still looking at Zhao Yunlan like this could be the last time, almost greedily drinking him in and Zhao Yunlan snuggles deeper into the bed, closer to Shen Wei, completely happy to stay right there and let this man hold and watch him.
There is still a lot they need to talk about, but Zhao Yunlan figures it can wait till morning.
“You’re lucky I love you,” Zhao Yunlan mumbles before he drifts off, but he still hears the surprised breath Shen Wei sucks in.
A reverently whispered “That I am,” follows Zhao Yunlan all the way into his dreams.
It’s the best rest he’s had in a long time.
